The issue of offensive team names is being discussed… again. Before spouting some unfounded nonsense (as many sports analysts do professionally), I prefer to take a step back from the issue and ask- what impact do team names have (if any)? That is, do any teams identify themselves or their collective ethos as the object they represent? E.G. The Atlanta Braves war-cry as the fans encourage their players with a collective yell in the key of American Indian. Not unique to the Braves however, this chant has been used by nearly every Indian epithet in televised sport. Or consider the Celtics or Lakers who maintain a corporate tradition of success in the name of their holy nomen… once again, there is no connection to the strengths of being Irish in relation to the Celtic pride just as the ambiguous Laker is an empty noun. My childhood favorite- the gold-hunting, westward settlers (49ers) representing the greater San Francisco area are whose football squad now represent the wealthiest major city in America. The Silicon Valley boom celebrates a rich analogous coincidence while another lucky break begs the question, “why do the Nuggets play in the mile-high city?” Insert stoner punchline here. Obversely, the Washington Bullets became Wizards by sadly reaching the top spot in the ranks of violent, gun related crime.
All these examples are happenstance or complete non-sequiturs in relation to a fan, player or organizational belief in their mascot. Texas Nationals (formerly Oilers) was a clever post 9-11 move to capitalize on the pre-established patriotism its Texan fans likely held while avoiding negative associations with the Iraq war and its too close to home means and ends (Bush & oil). Nationals, Patriots… which team is a true, blue American to choose? Point is: they represent the same thing and mean nothing.
“I’m a Yankee fan.” In American English: “I support the departure from England by early settlers to form the union of the Northern United States.” Nowadays, this translates roughly to, “I’m right and you are wrong, unless you like the professional baseball guys that are from all over but play most of the games in the South Bronx. Also, it should be mentioned that I spent some time living in the upper east side, had season tickets for two years in the 80’s when I was out of work, so you know… its a lock that I’m a bigger Yankee fan than you.”
TRIBALISM FOR SALE
It would be nice to see fans align their beliefs with existing team names, Lil’ Wayne would show up to Utah Jazz games thanks to the music that grandmothered hip-hop. What would happen if fans discussed their squads like a quasi-religion? Taking the SNL “da bears” pep-talks to formal definitions and behaviors. The study of bears- the carnivora-caniformia-ursidae, visits to the local zoo, supporting endangered species, coming to understand the genetic similarities with humans…etc. Too much science? Perhaps Washington Wizard Basketball fans could learn to flex their meta-physical muscles. Attending dork-conferences and casting spells on opposing players might improve their moral? In all seriousness Roger Goodell and company could satisfy the offended Native Americans by financing TB vaccines. If this hits too close to home, perhaps they could quietly donate some of the leagues billions to restoring and returning their property.
The genuine brand always sells more, even more than light blue (the highest selling team color). If the leagues want to earn any true fan appeal, they need to let their players decide on the name. Which team would be hip-hop enough to steal the top spot as the “niggas?” Jersey sales through the roof, guaranteed. This is all a sport and by sport I mean business so why not go hog wild? Does the current emptiness of belief help the fans relate to their own meaningless lives? Or to paraphrase the general sports fan argument, “Oh, I mean… uh… the other ambiguous other guys that we hate for some unrelated reason to ourselves as Chiefs fans, and I work as a manager at KFC cause I’m a really big Chiefs fan and cause we wear red and we are strong and carnivorous and there’s a bunch of the same letters in my employer and my favorite team so, you know, fuck the Niners!”
It would be endlessly entertaining to see teams work the other way by letting their behavior guide the front-office decisions. The Oakland Raiders branding appeal as they become the Oakland Felons and enter history books as all time bad boys of sport. They could collect every dangerous individual in the league and let the carnage unravel. Forget winning (par excellence for a Raider) this marketing thing is all about entertainment… sign the deal for the reality show and make Al proud!
The absurdist should appreciate how team names are abstract a purpose as their fans devotion. In the realm of sincerity the Scottsdale Community College’s “fightin’ Artichokes” are oddly ahead of the curve. Go fightin’ Artichokes, grow.
Thus spoke coach
coachzarathustra 