Mark of the Jeff van Gundy

Watching the NBA allows fans to feel a sense of cultural connection.  On occasion, the collective unconscious asks a very important question:  “Why is Jeff van Gundy employed by a major network as a broadcaster?”

Many fans are right in their distaste for the cultural phenomena that is sweeping the nation in a slow building crescendo of rage… the Jeff van Gundy is more than a man.  It (the Jeff van Gundy) represents an insult to the masses intelligence and collective taste.  ESPN’s long middle finger extended to its viewers every moment the Jeff van Gundy is transmitted into the sinking hearts and minds of the NBA faithful.


The grating tone and utter lack of aesthetic appeal pertain to the mystery of his employment but are not the focus of this critique.  Nor is this article about to point out his embarrassing inability to effectively communicate with other people.  This is not a public call for Jeff van Gundys’ shrink to perform the miracle of resolving the Jeff van Gundy personality disorder (under consideration for the upcoming DSM).  For all the abject synonyms that could be used to describe the Jeff van Gundy, there is one that trumps the rest: broadcasted.

The sad thing about this travesty is Jeff van Gundy’s lack of choice in the matter.  He was hired to do something that his skill set is not designed for.  The role of an entertainer is primarily to entertain or inform.  However, this is not to suggest that Jeff van Gundy should feel like all is lost and that the world would be better off without him.  The world relies on people like him to sell used cars, act as an attorney of law in fraud or injury cases, other such professions that utilize the obnoxious element to their advantage.  The entertaining quality of professional basketball does not need the Jeff van Gundy to torment the people’s relaxation time any further.


Perhaps the Jeff van Gundy does perform one important function for his network and its sport.  Consider the average male or female viewer that is watching the game in an effort to disengage from reality.  Does the Jeff van Gundy aide in luring their active minds to a hypnotized blank slate?  Thereby filling the void of their thoughts with opinions, grunts and faux pas?  The Jeff van Gundy does for sport what canned laughter does for comedy.

It is also wrong to think that the Jeff van Gundy has a monopoly on the market.  Consider the other Jeff van Gundies in sport: Terry Bradshaw, Johnny Miller, hockey asshole, baseball douche.  In every sport you find the hyper-bollic twat there to ruin your afternoon.  In the sport of politics, Bill O’Reilly has out Jeff van Gundied Rush Limbaugh for the top spot.

What do all of the Jeff van Gundies have in common (other than being televised white, unattractive males)?  These individuals maintain the public’s emotional charge.  Without this waste of emotional energy, the public might become irritated with less trivial matters than Jeff van Gundy’s concern with Jeff van Gundy.  What would happen if the public began logically evaluating their lives beyond that of the Jeff van Gundy?  Would a critique of the inherent meaninglessness of the game effect viewership?  For the intellects that appreciate the cultural meaning (or ascribe it), may there always be Sir Charles, Madden, Olbermann, Rome etc. to brighten our days with a hope that their wit and honesty will drown out the vulgar stupidity of the Jeff van Gundy forever.

Thus spoke coach

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